I thought for a while and what the heck, I think I'm going to go ahead and post past entries of my super secret tumblr blog. I'll start with something lighthearted (or at least as lighthearted as it gets in my messy twisted mind.)
Over the past summer I worked as a ride operator at this huge amusement park near my house. It was slightly embarrassing because I was entering my third year of uni and everyone else was either finishing up high school or was in a supervisor or lead position, and so I was stuck in kinda this weird in between spot and ofc that didn't help with my raging social anxiety/depression. To top that off it was my first job ever, which is super unimpressive when everyone else I knew was scoring summer research positions or traveling abroad. But that's for another day. Please excuse any typos and/or grammar mistakes.
it was a crazy experience. i loved most of it. today was the last day. there was a boy and i'm pretty sure i imagined most of it but he was special. he had this way of walking and talking that i found so incredibly attractive. when he was serious he looked…. stormy and when he wasn't he looked goofy.
we got paired together for the last two hours and closed together for the hour after that. i couldn't believe my luck. when he asked me if i wanted a hot chocolate he came around to stand next to me and kinda avoided eye contact while leaning close. i'm not sure what that meant. it was really cold and at one point he looked really miserable and i mentioned that to him and at that moment all i wanted to do was pull him close, touch his face. maybe i'm romanticizing this but i was so happy to have felt something in that way towards someone. i thought that part of me was dead.
later in the op booth we were both taking down the flags and in the close proximity we bumped into each other a lot. at one point i held out my hand so he could give me pushpins and he cupped both his hands around mine so the sharp ends wouldn't hurt me. he was really focused on not hurting me. later everyone was kind of joking around and he kept goading me with a pen, this bright smile on his face the whole time.
it might seem like he was paying special attention but the truth is he was this way with everyone. he was kind.
when i was leaving today i hugged him and he gave me a firm hug i wasn't expecting. the side of my face pressed against his and he was warm even though it was so cold. i was tense and was a little caught offguard so i kinda pulled away a little. i think it came across as rude.
i said bye and walked away. i don't know why i did that.